Why “not pushing” feels so scary

After Tuesday’s email, I know what some of you are thinking.

I get it… but if I don’t push, nothing changes.
Curiosity sounds nice, but my kid just shuts down.
I tried staying calm, and it didn’t work.

If that’s you, I want to say this first:

Of course pushing feels necessary.

When your teen is lying, sneaking, or pulling away, it doesn’t feel like a small issue.
It feels like a moment where things could spiral if you don’t step in.

So you push because you care.
You push because you’re scared.
You push because it feels irresponsible not to.

The problem isn’t that parents push.
It’s why they’re pushing, and what happens next.

Control feels like the safest move when fear is driving the moment.
But fear-driven control often creates the very thing parents are trying to prevent.

Here’s what I see over and over:

The more pressure a teen feels,
the more their nervous system shifts into protection mode.

And when protection kicks in, honesty shuts down.

That’s why parents say,
“I tried staying calm, and it didn’t work.”

It’s not because calm doesn’t work.

It’s because calm without a clear response leaves parents frozen—unsure what to say, when to step in, or how to hold boundaries without blowing things up.

So they swing back to control.
And the cycle continues.

What actually changes things isn’t pushing harder or backing off completely.

It’s learning how to respond in the moments before fear turns into words.

It’s knowing how to pause, regulate yourself, and lead with clarity instead of panic.

That’s not permissive.
That’s not passive.

That’s regulated leadership—staying grounded enough to see clearly, connected enough to influence, and firm enough to hold boundaries without breaking trust.

And it’s a skill most parents were never taught.

If you’re caught between I can’t push and I can’t not push,
that’s not a failure. That’s exactly the moment to get support.

On a Parenting Breakthrough Call, we look at:

• What’s actually driving your teen’s behavior

• Why what you’ve tried keeps backfiring

• What response helps before fear turns into words

No pressure.
No judgment.
Just clarity and a plan.

You don’t need to choose between chaos and control.
There’s another way, and you don’t have to find it alone.

👉 You can book a Parenting Breakthrough Call here.

🧡 Jeanine