When lying isn't the real problem
What do you do when your teen is lying and every response feels like it makes things worse?
Susan reached out because she was worried.
Her daughter, Taylor, had been lying.
Sneaking out.
Breaking the rules around hanging out with boys.
Posting things online that made Susan think, This isn’t who I raised her to be.
Susan told me,
“I have this gut feeling… don’t leave her alone. It feels really bad, and I’m terrified of losing her.”
She tried to do what felt responsible.
She set consequences.
Limited social media.
Grounded her.
And when that didn’t work…
She got angry.
She yelled.
And afterward, she felt awful.
“I said harsh things,” she told me.
“And now she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.”
The worst part wasn’t the yelling—it was realizing she might have just taught her daughter to hide better.
But the lying didn’t stop.
Taylor just got quieter.
And every time Taylor lied, Susan felt the same pressure:
Do something. Stop this. Don’t let it get worse.
Here’s what most parents miss in the moment:
Lying is rarely about defiance.
It’s about fear, shame, and self-protection.
When a teen feels ashamed or afraid of losing connection, their nervous system shifts into survival mode.
And in survival mode, honesty is not the priority.
Protection is.
Taylor wasn’t sneaking to be disrespectful.
She was sneaking because she didn’t feel socially accepted and was trying to belong the only way she knew how.
And what was driving Susan’s reactions?
Fear and worry about how this could affect Taylor: how she’d be seen, judged, or hurt.
This is the cycle that keeps families stuck:
Worry → control → shame → secrecy → more worry.
Left alone, this cycle trains teens to get better at hiding—not at telling the truth.
Punishment doesn’t break that cycle.
It makes it worse.
What changed things wasn’t letting go of boundaries.
It was changing how Susan responded.
When we started working together, we didn’t focus on Taylor’s behavior first.
We focused on what was happening inside Susan when Taylor lied.
The panic.
The catastrophic thoughts.
The urge to control it immediately.
And instead of thinking I have to stop this, she learned to catch herself and ask a different question.
I taught her the Feelings Wave Method—because advice like “just stay calm” sounds helpful until you’re already in the moment and your body has other plans.
Most parents don’t need more patience. They need a way to intervene before fear turns into words.
When Susan felt that panicky thought—If I don’t stop this, she’ll do something she regrets—she learned to pause and ask herself,
What’s really going on with Taylor right now?
That shift, from reacting to wondering, opened the door.
And Taylor started to feel it.
Here’s what happened next:
Taylor agreed to get ice cream with her.
They sat.
They talked.
No interrogation.
No lecture.
No trying to “catch” her in a lie.
Just connection.
Taylor didn’t open up because of ice cream—she opened up because she finally felt safe.
That moment mattered more than any punishment ever had.
Over time, things kept improving.
Boundaries became clearer and easier to hold.
A few months later, Susan told me,
“She talks to me all the time now.”
“Our holiday went smoothly for the first time. It was… easy.”
If you’re dealing with lying, sneaking, or secrecy at home,
That’s your child saying, “I need your help, Mom.”
Many parents wait until their teen gets caught doing something dangerous before reaching out.
But in the meantime:
The lying becomes more sophisticated.
The secrecy goes deeper.
And the trust between you erodes.
You don’t have to wait for a crisis.
If lying is already happening, this is the moment to intervene.
The earlier you step in, the easier it is to repair trust.
You don’t need stricter consequences.
You don’t need to try harder.
You need a clearer map.
🧡 Jeanine
If you’re nodding along and not sure what your next step is, you don’t need to decide anything today.
I created a short guide to help parents open the door to better conversations.
