The 5 steps that restore influence with teens

Over the last few weeks, we’ve been talking about why parenting your teenager feels harder than it “should.”

Why lying isn’t really about honesty.
Why pushing harder backfires.
Why staying calm sounds simple and feels impossible in the moment.

If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not imagining it.

There’s a pattern underneath all of it.
And once you can see that pattern clearly, the chaos starts to make more sense.

Here’s what most parents don’t realize:

The problem isn’t what they said.
It’s the order they said it in.

…

What changed when your child became a teenager

When kids are young, connection is automatic.
They want your guidance. They trust your answers.

So correcting, reminding, telling—it works.

But somewhere around middle school, that starts to change.

Not because your teen is being difficult.
But because they’re wired to push for independence now.

They still need you.
They just need you differently.

And when advice comes too early—even calm, loving advice—it often lands as control.

That’s when you see lying, avoidance, shutdown, or attitude.

Not because your teen doesn’t care.
But because they’re protecting themselves.

…

The order that actually works with teens

Here’s the process I teach parents.
Not as a script, but as an order that works with teenagers:

Calm → Clarity → Curiosity → Connection → Correction

Most parents skip the first four and jump straight to the last one.

And that’s where influence gets lost.

1) Calm

This step isn’t about your teen—it’s about you.

Calm isn’t just about not yelling.
It means worry, disappointment, and urgency aren’t running the conversation—even quietly.

Your teen can feel the energy you’re bringing into the moment before you say a word.

If you’re already imagining what this “means” about their future, their effort, or their choices, they feel it.
And they protect themselves by lying, saying “it’s fine,” or shutting down.

Calm isn’t about controlling your face or your voice.
It’s about noticing when fear is in the driver’s seat and slowing yourself down first.

2) Clarity

Clarity means stating only what’s objectively true—nothing more.

Not:
“Why did you get a D?”

(That question carries tone, assumptions, and judgment.)

But:
“I noticed you got a D on the test.”

Just the fact.
No story about why.
No leap to TikTok, laziness, or motivation.

Facts keep the door open.
Assumptions shut it fast.

3) Curiosity

This is where most parents think they’re being curious—but aren’t.

They’ve already decided why their teen did what they did.
So their questions aren’t really questions.

They’re disguised lectures.

Real curiosity sounds like:
“What was hardest about this?”
“What was going on for you right before?”
“What made this feel impossible in the moment?”

And here’s the shift that changes everything:

The behavior isn’t the problem.
What happened before the behavior is.

When curiosity is genuine, teens stop defending and start sharing what’s actually underneath.

That’s the real problem.
And that’s what you can actually help with.

4) Connection

Once you understand what’s underneath, connection becomes possible.

Connection is validation—not agreement.

“This makes sense, given how much pressure you’re under.”
“Of course, that felt upsetting.”
“No wonder that felt overwhelming.”

No fixing.
No correcting.
No rushing into, “Okay, so here’s what we’ll do differently.”

Just helping your teen feel understood and not wrong.

This is where trust is rebuilt.
This is where your teen feels like you’re on the same team.

5) Correction

Only after connection do teens want to do something differently.

And they don’t want to be told what to do.

They want space to think, with you by their side.

“So what do you want to do differently next time?”
“How will you handle it if this comes up again?”
“What do you want to remember in this situation?”

Your role here isn’t to micromanage.
It’s to hold the bigger picture and trust them to think with you.

…

Why this order matters

This order matters because it brings back something parents quietly grieve when kids become teens.

Influence.

Not control.
Not compliance.

Influence—the kind that makes your teen want to come to you when things are hard.
The kind that rebuilds trust instead of slowly wearing it down.

If conversations with your teen keep going sideways, it’s not because you don’t care or aren’t trying hard enough.

It’s because you’re using an order that no longer fits this stage.

You don’t have to do this perfectly.
And you don’t have to figure it out alone.

🧡 Jeanine