Why they’re saying “fine”

The first week or two of school always felt like a test. Not just for my kids, but for me.

I’d tell myself I was “just checking in” after practice or asking “how it’s going” over dinner, but underneath I was keeping score:
📚 Are they already behind?
👥 Are they connecting with the right friends?
📅 Are they taking this seriously enough?

The higher the stakes felt (grades, activities, friend groups), the more my own anxiety tried to grab the wheel.

The problem is… teens can feel that.
They might not name it, but they notice when your tone tightens or your questions feel like an interrogation instead of interest.

And when they feel your anxiety, they don’t usually open up more.
They shut down. Or snap back. Or give you the famous “fine.”

What I’ve learned from working with hundreds of families is this:

The conversation isn’t the goal. The connection is.

Here are three ways to stay calm so your teen feels safe enough to actually talk:

1️⃣ Notice your worry first. Before you ask how they did on the quiz, admit in your own head, I’m nervous they’re falling behind. Sometimes, just naming it keeps it from leaking out sideways.

2️⃣ Ask with curiosity, not conclusions. Swap “Did you finish your homework?” for “What’s the hardest part of the assignment?” It invites conversation instead of a yes/no answer.

3️⃣ Hold the long view. This is week two. Not the final chapter. Remind yourself you're building a relationship they'll want to keep, not just checking boxes for this semester.

That steadiness? That’s what turns “fine” into an actual conversation.

And those conversations—messy, meandering, sometimes happening at 10:47pm when you’re exhausted—those are where the real parenting happens.

🧡 Jeanine