Why punishments backfire (and what to do instead)

Last week, we talked about focusing on your teen’s underlying thoughts and feelings—not just their behavior. And how they need skills, not rules.

So let’s take the next step.

Because if punishments really worked, none of us would still be dealing with slammed doors, unfinished homework, or late-night phone battles.

Think about it:
Do you feel motivated when your boss dangles a promotion and doesn’t follow through?
Do you feel close to your spouse when they give you the silent treatment?
Do you feel valued when a friend ghosts you?

Of course not. So why do we expect punishments to work magic on our teens?

Here’s the truth: punishments don’t teach, they control.

When our kids feel controlled, they end up angry, ashamed, or confused.
And we end up feeling not just frustrated but like a nag, a broken record, even the police officer in our own home.

That’s not the relationship you want with your teen.

The better way? Replace punishment with curiosity.

Instead of: “You’re grounded until you get your grades up.”
Try: “I noticed your grades dropped. What’s making school feel hard right now?”

Instead of: “No phone for a week since you missed curfew.”
Try: “Help me understand what happened tonight. What made it hard to get home on time?”

✅ Instead of slammed doors, you get honest answers.
✅ Instead of feeling like a cop, you feel like a guide.
✅ Instead of endless battles, you see real cooperation.

And most importantly, your teen actually wants to come to you, whether they’re celebrating a win or struggling through something hard.

That’s how you build the relationship you’ve been missing. But I know it’s not always easy to make this shift on your own.

🧡 Jeanine