What to say when your teen pulls away

Ever feel like you’re trying so hard to connect with your teen… and it just pushes them further away?

The silence.
The eye rolls.
The short replies that leave you wondering if you’ve lost them completely.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman suggests that sometimes the most powerful thing we can say is:
“I miss you. I want to be closer. What do you need from me?”

Now, he wasn’t talking about parenting specifically.

But I think the sentiment matters, especially when your teen is pulling away.

When your child was little, closeness was easy.
You sat side by side. Held hands. Knew all their friends and favorite snacks.

Now? It’s different.

They're growing. Testing boundaries. Spending more time in their room.

And when that happens, your brain might go into overdrive:
They don’t want to be around me.
They’re so disrespectful.
What did I do wrong?

But what’s really in your heart might be:
“I miss you.”
“I want to feel close again.”

You don’t have to say it like Gottman did.

But the heart of the message—vulnerability, openness, and curiosity—still applies.

Try this instead of advice or correction:
“You don’t have to talk right now. I just want you to know I care.”
“I don’t want to fight. I want to understand.”
“I’m here when you’re ready.”

These aren’t magic words.

But they soften the space between you.

They let your teen know you still see the good in them, you’re not giving up, and you’re willing to try again without judgment.

I’ve seen this shift happen. One mom I worked with told me, “He doesn’t even look at me anymore.”

And then, after learning how to shift the energy, he started asking her to hang out again.
Not because she pushed. But because she softened.

It’s not about giving up structure or standards.
It’s about how you show up when things feel strained.

Because even when your teen rolls their eyes or shuts the door…
They still want connection.
They still want to feel respected, admired, trusted.

And if you’re thinking, “I want more of this… but I don’t know how to get there,”
That’s exactly the kind of shift I help parents create.

Because closeness doesn’t come from saying the perfect thing—it comes from changing the dynamic.

🧡 Jeanine