What to do when they turn on each other

You've tried taking their phones. Sending them to separate rooms. The "we're a family" speech.

But two hours later—or two days later—they're at each other's throats again.

Earlier this week, I talked about what's really driving sibling fights—how they’re feeling about themselves in that moment. When your teen is already feeling hurt or small, their sibling's insults land like a threat.

So what do you actually do when this happens?

Here’s the pattern most of us are stuck in

Your kids fight, you intervene, and if you're lucky, the fighting stops—but the same dynamic happens again. Different trigger, same explosion.

Why? Because you're focused on stopping your teen’s behavior—not addressing the feeling underneath. That hurt is still there, so the pattern repeats.

Over time, your kids learn to hide what they're really feeling, and you become the referee of fights that never actually resolve.

And you realize you're living in a home that no longer feels like home.

Most parents were taught: Stop the behavior, and you'll stop the problem.

But here’s what actually works

Address what they're feeling, and the behavior begins to change.

Parents often think the problem is the insult, the fight, the disrespect. But it's usually about what was happening right before the fight started.

Once you learn to spot that pattern, the fights become conversations instead of explosions.

Here’s what that looks like in real life:

One mom came to me exhausted. Her 14-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter were constantly at each other's throats—insults, slammed doors, days of arguing. She'd tried everything—consequences, lectures, family meetings. Nothing stuck.

When we worked together, she learned to stop focusing on what he was doing and start asking about how he was feeling.

The next time her son snapped at his sister, she waited until later that night. She sat on the edge of his bed and said, "I could tell something was already bothering you before that fight started. What was going on?"

At first, he shrugged. But she didn't correct him or lecture. She just stayed curious. Eventually, he opened up: "Jake was being a jerk at lunch. He insulted me in front of everyone, and they all laughed."

She realized that, later that day, when his sister made a joke at his expense, it wasn't funny to him. It felt like another attack. He was already feeling exposed and small, and he lashed out.

So she didn't lecture. She just listened. And the conversation got deeper.

The fights didn't stop overnight. But they changed. He started coming to her when he was upset instead of taking it out on his sister. And she finally felt like she had influence again.

I've seen this exact shift with the mom who was convinced her sons would never stop fighting, with the dad whose daughters hadn't spoken in weeks, and with the single mom whose ex lets the kids get away with everything. Different families, same pattern.

Try this the next time it happens

Wait. Give it a few hours until everyone is calmer.
Ask. Sit near them and say, "I could tell something was bothering you before that fight started. What happened today?"
Listen. Don't defend the sibling or fix it yet.

When you ask about how they were feeling—not just what they did—they realize you see them as a person with real struggles, not just a kid who misbehaves.

And if you’re thinking, But I am patient. I do ask questions. My teen would never tell me what they're actually feeling.

Here's the difference: most parents ask about the behavior ("Why did you say that?") or try to fix it immediately. Both keep the focus on what they did wrong. This approach asks about how they were already feeling before anything happened. That's what creates the opening.

This is the difference between managing behavior and building connection.

One keeps you stuck refereeing the same fights. The other changes the entire dynamic in your home.

If you want help with this

If you'd like help spotting these patterns in your own home and learning how to respond differently in the moments that matter, let's talk.

I offer Parenting Breakthrough Calls—a 60-minute session where we'll look at the specific patterns in your home and create a clear plan for what to do differently.

Click here to book a Parenting Breakthrough Call.

You don't have to keep living in this cycle.

🧡 Jeanine