You asked your daughter if she'd started her college essay.
"Oh my God, Mom! Can you stop?"
"I just asked a question."
"Yeah, but you're always criticizing me."
That's not true.
So you explain why you were asking.
She pushes back.
You don't yell.
And you're really careful with what you're saying.
But you still need her to know you didn't do anything wrong.
So you keep defending yourself.
Trying to clear things up.
But what if she never agrees that you were just asking a question?
You can explain what you meant.
You can't make her believe you.
And if she still thinks you were criticizing her, that doesn't mean you have to keep trying to convince her you weren't.
It doesn't mean you're admitting you did something wrong, either.
Think about how many conversations end this way.
You ask a simple question.
She gets annoyed.
You defend yourself.
And afterward, you're exhausted.
So you start thinking twice before asking anything.
You don't mention the essay.
You don't ask how the test went.
And little by little, you're talking less.
Not because you don't want to be close to her.
But because it feels easier than another fight.
And after a while, you miss the conversations you used to have with her.
You don't have to choose between defending yourself every time and not saying anything at all.
You can tell her what you meant and let her disagree.
She might still think you were criticizing her.
But you don't have to spend the next twenty minutes trying to prove you weren't.
Of course, knowing that doesn't make it easy to stop defending yourself when you feel unfairly accused.
We can look at that together on a Parenting Breakthrough Call.
We'll figure out what keeps pulling you back into these arguments, even when you're trying so hard to handle them differently.
And how you can ask about something as simple as her college essay without feeling like you have to defend yourself.
🧡 Jeanine
